#2 Secret Tips to Defend Any Argument

A common reason for learning to be more assertive is the desire to be able to fight your corner in an argument. How often do you find yourself feeling that you ‘have’ to take a certain course of action, adopt an opinion or accept having your feelings trodden upon because you you don’t have the skills to win the argument? Many times I hear from friends of power battles between parents vs children and partner vs partner to name but a few typical scenarios.

a sample of ways How others seem to win…

Often the reasons people feel that they have lost the argument but they can’t quite figure out why are:-

• Run out of defensive evidence
  An Argumenter begins by stating an opinion about a subject and asks you to agree. You say you think the opposite and they keep pushing to ask you to defend your stance with evidence and reasoning. You start to give as many reasons why you believe your stance is right. They shoot them down one by one with contrary evidence until you feel that you have to agree with them. You feel that the Argumenter has given valid reasons for their stance and shot down all your reasons for defence. You were quite happy with your stance but you now feel you have to agree with them as you can’t think of any more good enough reasons for you stance.

• Logical distraction
  An Argumenter states that there is a logical reason why it’s ok to discount your feelings or opinion. This can occur when you have a grievance with how they have behaved but they counter with a logical defence about the situation. An example could be, embarrassing you in public when its your legitimate turn to do an activity.

• Minimising you often by comparison
  An Argumenter minimises your hurt, wasted time or inconvenience by comparing you or your situation, to others or other situations. This is where you hear the line “Brenda isn’t bothered when I speak to her like that?!?” or “I can’t believe you’re upset about that little thing! Brenda’s mother is in hospital” or “that’s such a little thing to get so upset about!”

• Minimise your qualifications/knowledge
  An Argumenter discounts your opinion because they’ve decided that you have little qualifications or knowledge on a subject to have an valid opinion. This is the classic “what do YOU know about politics, you’re just a housewife??”

Invalid excuses for losing an argument

• You’re not intelligent enough to form a real opinion

• Your sex means that you can’t understand the information regarding the argument

• You’re being a drama queen or being over sensitive

• You can’t think of an accepted (by the other party) defence for your stance

• Everybody else (present or generally in the world) agrees with the Argumenter’s stance and not yours

• You said you agreed / or didn’t disagree with the general opinion previously

• You previously actioned behaviour for the opposing stance to your opinion or didn’t object to doing it when requested to

• Being told it didn’t take you a long time to do a task or wasn’t an inconvenience, upsetting or hard work for you to do (or you didn’t say at the time it was)

• You previously agreed that you would do a task or didn’t specifically say that you wouldn’t

• Being told you don’t know enough about a subject to be allowed an opinion

how to fight back…

Having an enjoyable or honest debate can be a fun and healthy activity. Sometimes feedback with an opposite stance can help you to see a subject from another viewpoint and develop empathy for others situations. It can be healthy for relationships if people are simply being honest with you about how they feel about your choices or behaviour. Sometimes though, you meet people who just can’t help jumping on you for simply holding an opposing opinion, pushing until you have to back down or actually agree with them.

Here’s two ways that you can defend against those that just can’t let you have your own separate opinion.

#1 have confidence in your opinion

Step one is to have a solid ground from which to fight back. Building self-confidence from self fed self-approval and self-assurance is key to inner strength. Have a serious think, write down and clearly know what kinds of things you like or find unacceptable and why. If you are not confident in the validation of your own arguments then you are open to persuasion from the list of false defences above. Being a people pleaser (some one who looks to others for approval and assurance of their worth) will work against you when you are trying to defend against being pulled into anothers argument. If they criticise or devalue you because of your belief then it can be crushing to your self-confidence, you’ll back down to please them and they’ve ‘won’ the argument.

Learn to understand that your opinions matter and that you are a worthy person despite what others may try and tell you to the contrary. They will get angry, be indignant, ridicule and criticise you, especially if they are trying to sway power over you. If you have strong self-confidence you can resist these attempts. Build your self-approval and self-assurance skills by reading my ebook and using my assertive affirmation card pack. (link to shop at the end)

#2 turn down the argument

Most bullies or aggressivists love an argument. They love to pounce on those with opposite views to themselves. They pride themselves, with confidence, on their honed ability to get others to back down on opposing views, especially if your opinion being true puts them in a bad light. They will have argued their favourite stances various times and have their ‘evidence’ ready to pull out. Some people love certain subjects that they have been previously criticised for and have practiced defending them. Some just love the power of winning any argument full stop.

The best defence is to not defend. Yes that’s what I said. If you step out of the argument before it starts then you’ve already won. Especially if its an argument that you weren't looking to debate over and find yourself unexpectedly having to defend yourself. Those that love an argument want to get you in the game so that they can win. The secret ingredient is to simply own your opinion without the need for validation from others (the Argumenters). They want you to look to them for validation of your stance/opinion, which obviously they don’t want to give. They may use any of the excuses from the list from the beginning of this post (intelligence, sex, qualifications…) to invalidate your stance.

The truth is that you don’t need them to accept your opinion or stance for them to be valid. There is no such thing as the universal opinion. You are entitled to your own individual opinion without producing evidence to validate it. As long as you are continually agreeing that the Argumenter has a right to their own opinion and you have yours you are holding your own. Once you start to believe that there is only one right opinion and begin to battle over it, you have potentially lost. Some of my favourite phrases for dealing with people who start aggressively challenging my opinion are:-

• ...with that in mind, seriously, don’t you agree??

Yeah, that is an interesting point. I’m happy own viewpoint though.

• I think that anyone would be stupid not to agree? I just can’t see how people can still think that…

I’m glad that you feel so strongly with your stance on this.

• Everybody knows that…

I’m glad I don’t base my opinions on general consensus.

• How can you prove that is the case?

I don’t feel that I have to prove anything to anyone.

That’s my opinion and I feel ok with that.

• I don’t understand. Why do you still think that? How can you still say that you think that, after what I’ve just said?

Yes, I believe everyone has the right to their own opinion.

You’re very welcome to your own thoughts but I don’t feel the need to defend my opinion for it to be valid.