Surviving being in a clique as an 'A' alpha
Being in a social group can be very rewarding and can feel great with the right crowd (A alpha led) but some close knit groups are created from toxic roots (B alpha led) for the wrong reasons.
Some groups can be a mix of both polarised styles especially where people are forced together eg. Families, work places.
Some social groups though can be on a spectrum, not fitting into either style, with some negative traits and some positive, especially in adult groups. These groups may swing towards negative or positive depending on circumstances.
This is where you need the right approach to surviving the more toxic times and traits within a group. Being an A alpha doesn’t mean that you lead a group, it just means you have the positive traits/skills of a potential leader. Many A alphas naturally end up leading a group because they have these certain traits/skills.
A alpha: Survival skills
Gaining more A alpha skills will help you survive the average negative clique. If your group is a highly toxic clique, just get out. Sometimes fighting is a waste of time and can have consequences on peoples mental and physical health. Here are some positive ways to exist within a challenging group:
Be in many social groups, not just loyal to ‘the group’ or a single friend. Try to make different separate groups, network and mix.
Identify and avoid ‘flying monkeys’: These are people who are loyal to the heads of the group, they will feed information back to the head and will try and push the heads agendas to keep everyone in line. They are usually B alphas and should not be trusted with sensitive or secretive information. Keep your privacy!
Work on your weaknesses: Weaknesses are a source of power and can be used against you if you step out of line, such as threatening removal of support or pushing you towards a weakness as a punishment.
Be cool, calm and firm: Emotional ‘crazy’ responses show that you have lost control and can be a source of amusement for some people in a group. Some people enjoy the control they have over others by triggering their emotions or using those triggers as a punishment.
Be confident and self-fed: Don’t look to other people in the group for your validation, decision making or self-esteem. Learn to be resilient to criticism, competition, manipulation and sabotage.
Be direct and ask open questions: Cliques like gossip, insinuation and vagueness. Be direct and firm.
Use assertiveness techniques: to deal with aggression such as defusing, split opinions and fogging. There are plenty of other posts about assertiveness for further reading.
Learn about manipulation techniques and how to counter then: Learn to spot when someone is trying to manipulate you (F.O.G.U.S.), learn how you can respond to those with strength.
Be prepared to go it alone: maybe temporarily or permanently if things are bad. Let the group feel that you like them but don’t need them.
DON’T
Don’t criticise, bad mouth or gossip about others in the group: Criticising others openingly, especially unfairly or meanly, can be used against you to undermine relationships with other group members.
Don’t rely on the group or members: for your health, safety or finances or anything sensitive, valuable or important.
Don’t let the group be a source of something for you: especially something essential ie. Your only source of friends, travel requirements, income, lifestyle.
Don’t be bribed or ego-boosted: into accepting bad behaviour, being made to feel special or supporting treating others badly.
Don’t be controllable with ‘carrots’ and ‘sticks’: Social rewards and punishments, there are more posts about carrots and sticks.
Don’t have communication via the head alpha (and support team): Develop direct relationships with other team members.
Don’t back down to threats, rudeness, aggression, devaluing or punishments. Stand up for yourself but don’t be overly emotional.
Survival Summary
• Positive carrots to give the group (social rewards)
Give positivity and strength as a general input to the group
Do give the head alpha (and group) positive attention, gifts and support (without them demanding) that doesn’t devalue you and doesn’t make you look desperate.
Do make them feel good, bring praise, admiration, fun, kindness, support while you are being respected.
Do bring skills and benefits to the table.
Do be an asset: Be sparkly enough to make them look good but not enough to make them feel bad, criticise, compete or outshine anyone else.
*Sparkly: attractive, successful, skilled, popular, confident, sassy, connected
• Positive sticks to counter negativity (social punishments)
If you are disrespected, de valued, condescended, criticised or excluded as punishment….
Punish back with coolness, having fun elsewhere if excluded or go and boost a skill.
Not showing being bothered (diminished) by punishments – don’t ignore and say things are ok, just acknowledge punishments and be confident about your value.
Withdraw usefulness and support if being punished, manipulated or threatened.
Be uncontrollable – don’t easily respond to offers of carrots to come back after punishments, don’t bring your carrots back so easily.
Don’t let people in the group take your carrots (positives that you bring to the group) without asking, being respectful or by expecting or demanding.
Don’t make people in the group look good by allowing them to make you look less (criticising, condescending, dismissiveness, ordering, demanding, embarrassing, devaluing, policing and management, intimidation)
Don’t make yourself less than others to appease them (make them feel more) – be level and balanced in the group.
Basically to survive in a clique to need to offer and provide positives to the group willingly, and be strong enough to defend from devaluation and having benefits taken from you.
You have to like the group but not need the group.
You need to support the group but not diminish anyone, especially the alpha in the group.
You need to be sparkly, work on building your self-confidence, value, skills and success.
Learn to be assertive and survive a clique!