All about Carrots (Social Rewards)
A ‘carrot’ is a reward, directed to others, to encourage attention in relationships, connection to others and to reinforce the repeat of desired behaviour.
Carrots can be either positively given (kindness) or negatively taken by others (they take the reward without permission, at your expense) eg.
A positive carrot is giving a lovely gift without expectation.
A negative carrot is being the focus of jokes to make others feel good.
Either way you are giving others a positive feeling or reward by spending time with you.
Carrots can also be given as a ‘reward’ for accepting bad or toxic behaviour (to regain connection after toxic behaviour has caused a cooling of the relationship)
Carrots can also be taken for the joy of feeling in control of the emotions, or the cause of negative emotions in others
Negative Carrots (Benefits from your relationship at your expense)
These are toxic rewards that are taken from others to benefit one side only at the expense of another, or that are used to cover negative behaviours.
Insulting jokes meant to create a fun atmosphere, at your expense
‘Joke’ shaming you for needing help, being a charity case, being a drain on their resources (they are so ‘kind’ to give without receiving from you)
Being friendly patronising or condescending so as to boost their status, especially focused on your failures/non-perfection
Toxic helping: helping you to make out that you are incapable of doing things (well) by yourself
Claiming the glory for your efforts/success
Demanding your praise, attention, admiration, interest, gratitude, interest or attention
Not reciprocating or reciprocating attention with back handed compliments
You defend them but they let you take the blame for something
Being friendly with you (exclusive with you) so as to punish or exclude others
Only giving you time and attention when they need a skill you have
Demanding or expecting your skills, benefits or special access
Using you to acquire access to your connections, friends and benefits without you
Giving you a gift, time or attention after previously excluding, disrespecting or punishing you to reinitiate warm relations
Giving a gift with the expectation that you now ‘owe’ something in return, that it helps you with an inadequacy of yours or makes out that you are a ‘taker’ or ‘user’
Giving a gift that hints at a negative (giving you a dress that for a bigger person) or shows they under efforted (rubbish gift) or forgot (because you’re not important)
Giving a fantastic gift to an alpha so that they are the ‘best’ (or most favourite) gift giver in the group
Deliberately forgetting to gift/reward you but over efforting on rewarding others, especially in front of you (can be also used to punish - negative stick)
Deliberately over praising someone else for something they know you failed at, are sensitive about, they criticised you for or said others criticised you for (can be used to punish - negative stick)
Positive Carrots (Rewards that boost you)
These are genuine rewards that you are given, or give to others, that are healthy and positive for everyone.
Heartfelt beautiful, expensive or thoughtful gifts with no expectation to ‘owe’ them back
Praise and positive attention
Listening and engaging in conversations
Being a listening support when someone is down
Doing fun activities together with like-minded people
Getting someone a special benefit or VIP access
Having a useful skill that helps others or that they need (in a non-competitive way)
Raising someone’s profile by being with you (you back up their status but don’t diminish them)
You defend and support someone’s aims and objectives
You have gratitude and admiration for someone
You have interest and attention for someone (but not over excitement)
You give kindness (think of their needs, give them yours, are generous)
Look at your relationships and at yourself. Are there more positive or negative sticks in your life? Who do you have the most with and where? Do you use sticks and how? Look to change any negative sticks over to positive ones to enjoy more positive relationships in your family, work and socially.