Top tips for making social skills work for you
Social relationships can be created or broken in several ways. Communication happens with words but also cues (non-verbal communication). There is no hard and fast rule that works with everyone (some people are inherently difficult!) but here are some tips and tricks to socialising and making friends or networking.
Are you socialising or networking?
Socialising or making friends is different from networking but they are similar. Socialising is about making connections to work on and keep, whereas networking is about making many quick connections. Networking is about quantity and making light connections (acquaintances) for potential, mutual, personal gain. Friendship is about initiating contact with people with the idea of building a deeper relationship. If you are networking then you may get the feeling that after a short while that people want to move on from you (not as an insult or because you are boring but because they want to mingle with as many people as possible), whereas with friendship, people want to connect more deeply. Sometimes socially there is a mixture of these scenarios where people want to mingle and make as many new friends as possible.
Ways to make a good connection
Genuinely compliment others and create equality not competition in conversations – no bragging.
Don’t be judgemental in conversations: Giving negative meaning behind the lifestyles and choices of others. Finding negatives in others or valuing people based on a set of criteria.
Have opinions but hold back judgement of others, especially those present, where subject matters could be sensitive. Think who you are talking to and how your opinions could be perceived.
Show interest in releasing the spotlight in conversations to others. Ask questions, let others talk.
Share, be kind and ask permission from others when asking for help or when crossing into their space and boundaries, don’t expect or force things.
Ask gentle polite questions about general positive topics.
Make good eye contact but not too much – no staring, remember to blink! Look at them while they talk or you as you are finishing your point.
Look for similarity in shared interests/hobbies/friends in common.
Remember what people say, people love it when you know their name, their kids or details about them that they’ve told you.
Look interested – face them, focus with eye contact, give full attention, nod with a head tilt, lean forward but not too close, have open but mirrored body language.
Balance your smiles and space – Smile too much and you’ll look sinister or manipulative. Smile genuinely with your eyes. Be close but look for signs of discomfort in their body language that you are too close.
Look for signs of a sensitive subject or shutting down questioning / conversation. Does their body language look uncomfortable, nervous, twitchy or suddenly closed? Do they look away or clip the conversation?
If yes, simply change to a diferent topic.
Social errors or repellents
Arrogance about own status and value – being the best, most popular and most successful, backhanded compliments to others.
Opinionated and Judgmental of others in conversation.
Self-talking too much and attention seeking/focusing towards yourself.
Being demanding, bossy or too blunt with others.
Being too nosy, asking too many questions or not looking interested by not asking enough questions.
Talking or questioning about awkward, sensitive subjects. Being invasive when others try and shut down conversation subjects.
Lack of eye contact or too much eye contact.
Not looking interested in others lives and well-being (forgetting details, yawning, looking away, on your phone while they talk).
Being over friendly and nervous (looking like a people pleaser or desperate to appease) or under friendly (looking tense, stern, serious).
Not being sensitive to social cues for space, end of conversations or disinterest in connecting.
Look at yourself honestly and be aware of how you may come across and behave. Look at the lists above and access yourself. Maybe ask for some feedback and hope people can be kind and open about it. Identify where you may be lacking or over doing it and look at how you could adapt.
Top tips to thrive and survive a social event and make connections
• People who are not looking for a connection (they already have a social group or relationship that they are happy with) are more resistant to making friends or new connections. These people will avoid eye contact, close body language and make short polite conversation if approached. They will generally look disinterested and try to disengage. They may look ‘busy’ on their phone or be reading. These are cues that say, please leave me alone. You may be the kind of person who does this out of nerves and may be giving out ‘leave me alone’ signals that you are not intending.
• In an event or networking area, look to approach those on their own or in a two to be more successful in making a connection. There may also be the less alpha members of a bigger group who look shy, ignored or may be looking for a social boost. These people will be more open to helping to integrate and connect with a new person and making new connections.
• If you are in a group and want to approach another group or a single/pair, always elect one or two members to approach and make contact. It’s less intimidating if a smaller group approaches a group.
• Approach a group and ask a question to make contact: Is it ok if we sit here? Do you know…? Can I join you, I’m on my own? Where did you…? When in the group, listen and be interested but not overbearing. No one likes a newbie who tries to take over.
• People who are alpha A are more likely to befriend you in a positive way (if they have a big group but they may flit around and be managing everyone)
• Alpha B types are always looking for people to use and abuse. They, and the group that they manage, may rudely freeze you out of entry to their click, and expect you to work to earn membership to the lower end of their social group. To spot these types you will get superior but dominant vibes from them. They may be challenging if they feel you are competition in any way. Alpha B’s and their groups tend to scoop up useful (have a skill), influential (popular/VIP) and passive members of a social situation.
• Don’t overstay your welcome in conversations in networking events or even light social chats such as parties. People may only want to spend some time with you before moving on and mingling. Look for signs of wanting to leave such as looking elsewhere, minimal feedback from them or engaging with others outside of the conversation. Don’t follow them! They may come back once they have had space in other conversations.
Have fun using these tips and try them out when you are next mixing socially, networking or trying to make new friends at a new place. Find your way to make the tips work for you, not everyone is extrovert and social skills come naturally more to some people than others.