All about Sticks (Social Punishments)
A ‘stick’ is a punishment or withdrawal of a positive behaviour, in reaction to being annoyed or disrespected by others, as a precaution not to repeat the behaviour or may be used as a control tactic.
Sticks can be negative or positive.
Negative: These sticks are mean, selfish, childish, controlling, manipulatve and toxic.
Positive: These sticks are issued as a boundary or as a response to being treated rudely, unfairly or being manipulated or intimidated.
Negative sticks – Toxic ways people bully and punish others
People may try to validate some negative sticks by calling them ‘teaching you to behave’ or ‘teaching you to be fair’ or ‘teaching you to be strong/better/tougher’.
Just to confirm…they’re not!
Using F.O.G.U.S to control others/their group
(Fear, Obligations, Guilt, Unworthiness, Shaming)
Fear: Threatening to do something or remove something, umless someone complies
Obligation: Making out that they are owed under the guise of fairness
Guilt: Hinting that you are responsible for someone’s misfortune (or may be without action), are being selfish or ‘should’ be kind since you are in a better position
Unworthiness: Insinuating that you don’t deserve value, attention, reward, achievement etc.
Shaming: Highlighting something about them that they should feel bad about (that they are low value), and hinting that it is valid due to a weakness
Social exclusion as a punishment for gaining achievement, success, status, rewards, attention, being competition or used as a control tactic to gain loyalty and compliance.
Making fun of someone’s perceived sensitivity, weakness, shame or failure such as their physique, speech, family background, clothes or finances.
Making fun of someone for a non-weakness (making out that it is) but just who they are, such as their country of origin, race, having a positive such as beauty, success, richness.
Playing mean practical ‘jokes’ that involve embarrassment, exposure of privacy, violence, exclusion, property damage/hiding.
Spreading negative stories, false or true, to manipulate a negative public opinion.
Sabotaging the potential success of others by redirecting/distracting their energy, focus or by activating their emotions before they need to focus/perform.
Removing something (or threatening to) that they know someone relies on, or pushing them towards something they fear, dislike; or something that they know they cannot cope with or do not have the skills for, so that they will embarrass themselves, the more public the better.
Devaluing someone contributions by ridiculing/being dismissive with their gifts or with someone’s efforts to appease, praise, compliment, offer to support or to give carrots generally to the alpha (to encourage them to spend more and give more) .
Positive sticks – Healthy ways to uphold boundaries and reject toxic behaviour
Communicating calmly but firmly that you not accepting certain communication or behaviour, and stating consequences
Removing yourself from a toxic situation temporarily or permanently
Non-compliance with being asked to be used for your skills, support or help after being disrespected, excluded, dismissed or ignored.
Non-compliance to being bossed about, intimidated, spoken to rudely or manipulated
Slow return to friendliness after being snubbed, excluded or treated rudely, by acting cool and aloof
Responding to exclusion by making new friends, having fun elsewhere, working on an improvement (skill/goal)
Develop self-relience and emotional mastery, this means that you rely less on others for essential parts of your life and are less open to giving away your power. It also means that others cannot punish you by removing their essential support or push you towards your weaknesses as a punishment. You are essentially closing the door to others punishing you by removing their benefits.
These tips can work in friendships, romantic relationships, dates, work relationships and families. Look at yourself and your relationships to see who uses what kind of sticks to get what they want in life. Work towards encouraging yourself to use positive sticks to make your relationships more healthy. Using them will also build your self-esteem and self-confidence, this will shine to others and encourage them to adapt the way they respond to you. If others do not adapt, positive sticks can help you to weed out those unwanted negative relationships from your life.