Self-Approval - I am
Approval from our peers is a key part of being a social animal. We build our sense of worth from how valued we are by our group, which is a natural quality. The pitfalls of this though are when our peers don’t seem to value us or our contributions. At worst our group may actively relish proving to us just how un-needed, un-wanted or un-valuable we are. This can demolish even the sturdiest confidence if actioned over time and there is no counter or escape.
Bullying is when someone deliberately (gaining pleasure by knowing it will cause the subject pain, gaining a feeling of power, status or self-importance) and consistently tries to:-
Undermine, or steal, a subject’s success and positives by invalidation (making out that their success is cheating or easy) or by actually claiming credit for the success of a subject.
Make a subject feel bad about themselves by highlighting their failures or less positive aspects (the more public, the better).
Target individuals for social exclusion by the bully and encourage others to do the same, especially as a punishment.
Threaten a subject (and action) with mental, emotional, verbal or physical abuse, especially into compliance.
This is especially intense and devastating if the subject of the bullying is:-
A child who has a caregiver who is the bully.
An employee whose manager is a bully (they may be trapped within the job due to finances or a contract).
An individual within a family, whose partner (or fellow family members) are the bullies.
Someone locked into a school journey for years with classmates or supposed ‘friends’ that bully them.
Ways to build resilience to efforts to reduce your sense of worth and value can be:-
Find a counteraction
Balance out the time you spend in self-esteem reducing environments by having another relationship, group or space that is positive and nurturing. This way you can re-charge your self-approval with positive, supportive feedback from others. Everyone needs safe, supportive relationships in order to flourish. Make multiple friendship groups so that you can get a fresh, alternative perspective and ideas on things.
Build your self-feeding mindset skills
Having resistance to attempts to reduce your self-esteem is a key skill. Not everyone you meet, or have a relationship, with will be supportive of you. In life you will encounter criticism, jealousy, competition, mind games, manipulation, invalidation, sabotage or an aloof lack of support. Resilience skills include feeding your esteem from your own thoughts (mindset) and giving yourself value, despite what others may say to you. Learn to value your own opinion and defend from the deliberate negative influence of others.
Find ways to identify and escape from abusive relationships or environments
Learn to recognise what manipulation and abusive behaviour looks like, and learn which relationships/environments to avoid or minimise as much as possible. Learn when to leave an abusive situation if you can or how you could speak to those who can help you escape.
Assertive skills to learn for growing self-approval
Know your personal rights.
Create some inspiring affirmations and self-talk for daily use, including words like ‘I am’. Include things that you are proud you are good at or who you are.
Work on your charisma skills so that you can build varied, positive and new friendships, relationships and social groups.
Learn assertiveness skills and techniques for dealing with criticism and challenges, such as arguments and aggression.
There are many places where you can get help for bullying by building your own self-esteem and countering the behaviour of others. Remember there is always help, support and ways to improve a bullying situation. You matter, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk
Anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk
Nspcc.org.uk
Giveusashout.org
Youngminds.org.uk