What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is when someone takes their opinion, version, suspicion, paranoia, jealousy, or manipulation and pushes it as 'the actual truth'. They will twist stories, or outright lie. It relies on the subject being increasingly unsure, unconfident or unable to prove their memories, evidence or knowledge of events. This is usually to the point where the subject of the gaslight starts to believe the manipulation and begins to doubt their own worth, capability and credibility.
PEOPLE will Gaslight because:
Undermining someone else’s path towards success
They worry that you're doing better than them or progressing forward towards a successful goal. Your success makes them feel less valuable or a failure. They may try and invalidate your success (it’s no big deal, everyone’s done that) or make out that it came easily or that you had lots of help. They may even say you are taking credit for other people or that the success will be short lived.
eg. you’re starting to earn more money, got a promotion, lost some weight, starting working towards a higher qualification, got a fab new partner etc.
Undermining someone’s value or credibility
They worry that people will value you more than them or believe your versions of the truth that contradict their own. They don’t like the idea that you may tell others about their negative behaviour or traits.
eg. Making ‘jokes’ at your expense that make you sound silly, ditsy or forgetful. They may ‘police’ you for being mean, rude, socially clumsy or a liar.
To get the best outcome for themselves
People gaslight to get away with things that they shouldn't. To cover up for being caught out on a lie, criticism, inadequacy, crime, cheat or other misdemeanour. To manipulate or push circumstances and decisions so that they get the best benefit, whether they deserve it or not.
eg. They may place the seed of doubt for others to choose you, make you look unworthy, undeserving or inept. They may change the ‘truth’ so that they deserve the best outcome instead of you. They will flat out deny, when challenged, on being caught out. They may question your solid evidence, witness or memory of details.
Jealousy
They worry that you're moving away from the relationship with them, resisting / breaking away from being controlled, or engaging with other options for relationships. They don’t like the idea of you having back up support in case of challenges or missing out on exciting events that you attend and they don’t.
eg. Criticising how your friends treat you or their behaviour. Criticising you for not seeing how bad your friends are or how bad a person you are for neglecting your ‘true’ relationships or responsibilities. They may criticise you to other people by saying you do things they don’t like or say negative things about them.
Being right, the authority or superior
They want to be the knowledgeable one, the expert who feels superior, absorbs the glory, boosts their ego and isn't questioned. They want to win an argument or to cover up when they are wrong. They don’t like it when you look like the expert or seem to be growing into one.
eg. They will point out your mistakes, gaps in knowledge or challenge your point of view and your authenticity / expertise. They will push that they know best and that you should come to them for direction on your choices, decisions and thought processes.
Control of someone, their behaviour, mindset and choices
They worry that you're thinking too much for yourself. Coming up with ideas, building self-confidence, skills and challenging them too much. They want to feel secure that they have control of your behaviour and choices. This is usually done by making the subject feel unconfident or unsure of themselves and low in value.
eg. by using the tactics above and below to shake up someone’s self-esteem and trust in themselves and others. To isolate them from seeing friends and family, who may become allies. To undermine the subject’s relationships with others from the subject’s side (creating distrust, isolation), or from outside (ie. by becoming more liked / valued / trusted than the subject by using gaslighting techniques to make themselves more positive than they are).
Some other ways people gaslight:
Deny or insist something happened even if you believe the opposite or know it for a fact. Even if you have evidence to the contrary.
Twist the perceived positive, or non-existent, intentions of others or yourself, to something else negative without evidence. Eg. people are against you or you are always flirting with someone else.
Push personal qualities, or long-term narratives about you as if it is agreed and true eg. you are forgetful, ditsy, greedy, lazy, ill-educated
Insist that your objections or worries are some weakness or over-sensitivity by you. Make out that you need to overcome them by going against your needs or gut instinct. Eg. you are a complainer, overly dramatic, overly-sensitive or weak in some manner.