Self-Respect - I deserve
Self-respect feed on from self-confidence (I am valuable). It’s about knowing what you deserve as a basic right, or from what you have produced or given out to the world. It’s about knowing that you are valuable and that you deserve to be treated with dignity and with value by others but not overly admired or put on a pedestal. Some part of learning self-respect is working on your self-approval and self-assurance first. When you value yourself and your abilities then you can start to assert to others to treat you as such. You will learn to extract yourself from or avoid, situations where others try and treat you with disrespect.
When you don’t have high respect for yourself you may:-
Allow others to treat you as low status or without dignity
This can be covered by examples such as:-
Allowing yourself to be spoken to abruptly, rudely, condescendingly or with disdain.
Aggressive complaining (telling off) when you challenge their requests for you to do something.
Allowing others to embarrass you by announcing situations where you allowed disrespect, or by betraying something private in public.
Being physically manhandled such as unwanted hugging, touching, grabbing, sexual advances or ruffling.
Not respecting your time and space by being late for meetings, canceling at the last minute without good reason or invading your privacy without warning, permission or invitation.
Having a relationship with you that they want to hide as they feel embarrassed to be associated with you.
Allowing others to speak or act casually in a situation where it’s expected to be formal or where you don’t know people well enough but they act as if you know them well.
How to counter
Always challenge when people don’t respect your time or space (lightly at first but stronger if this is ignored). Learn to politely push back against unwanted or overt physical contact. Assert that you expect to be spoken to politely with respect and outline the consequences if you need to, if they continue to ignore your request. Challenge those who overstep your boundaries, especially if they continue to do so after you have asserted a complaint. Re-establish formality where someone begins to assert casuality. Challenge those who deliberately try to embarrass you, undermine or humiliate you, even those you do it as a ‘joke’. Learn assertive skills and techniques for challenging others and dealing with challenging situations such as arguments and disagreements. Arguments can be stimulating and anxiety-inducing but with the right skills you can gain confidence.
Let others take from you or use you without complaint or challenge
This can be covered by examples such as:-
Using your talents, skills, advantages or connections, without giving back or asking permission (or offering them to others).
Demanding that you go and do things for them, especially menial tasks.
Taking something from you that you have but they don’t, such as demanding that you give them your nice things or trying to steal your partner.
Always deflecting attention back to them when its your turn to shine.
Allowing others to use you when they need you but dropping you when they don’t eg. people that use someone for sex but don’t commit to a relationship or fair weather friends.
Borrowing or taking your items, sometimes without consent, or bringing them back damaged or broken.
How to counter
Its okay to be kind and give out to others but beware of those that ‘expect’ support without asking your permission. They may assume that you will help them without asking you or may become angry when you say no. They may want to use you to do the difficult, menial or boring jobs in their life. Beware of those who seem to be using you for the benefits that you bring, without giving any benefits back. Do they like you? or your benefits? Asking these types of questions about your relationships (or potential ones) can help you to decide who to spend your time with. Respecting yourself is about deciding where and who deserves your time. Who values you and treats you accordingly. Who enjoys letting you have your time to shine. Who values you, your possessions, your input, your time and your space. Learn techniques and skills to assert boundaries for your time, space and property.
Not accept or follow your dreams, talent or success because you believe that you ‘don’t deserve it’
This can be covered by examples such as:-
Having a great talent but not following it into success where there could be rewards or recognition.
Accepting a partner, friend or a friendship group who treats you less than you deserve, and fails to support you to climb in life or deliberately hold you back.
Accepting a low paid job or avoiding promotion, because you feel you don’t deserve any better.
Letting others push you out of the way in competitions or rejecting offers for moving upwards
How to counter
Learn to value yourself. You can value yourself without becoming an arrogant, egotist. Look at yourself, your skills and achievements, be proud of yourself. Learn that your value doesn’t dimish if you aren’t good at something or you fail. Learn to ride out criticism in a resilient mannar. Sometimes people’s feedback is unfair, untrue (based on jealousy or disagreement) or overly dogmatic. Putting ourselves out for criticism can be enlightening and contructive for improvement. It can be scary moving forward and upward in life, taking on responsibility, being criticised or being the centre of attention but also greatly rewarding if you can conquer your fears. Having people around you that support you can help you move forward in life positively and help you to believe in yourself that you deserve success.
Let others not give you what you deserve or less than you deserve
This can be covered by examples such as:-
• People expecting you to do things for free, or be paid less than you deserve.
• Not acknowledging your help, support or input.
How to counter
It’s nice to choose to be kind, but sometimes people try to give you back less that you deserve or nothing! Learn to get back for what others ask from you, unless you are truely being generous. Being kind from time to time is nice but when it becomes the norm it drains you and impacts on your self-respect. Its not unfair to negotiate being ‘paid’ in other ways if others cannot pay you what you deserve. Neither is it unfair to refuse to give to others, if they cannot, or are unwilling, to give you something back that you feel you deserve in exchange. The same is true of those with whom you help or collaborate with but they then claim the glory and success for themselves. They may claim they do not owe you as they have apparently ‘forgotton’ all about the help or work that you gave them. Learn to value yourself and your true worth, so that others do not take cheeky advantage of you and your kindness or timidity. Learn who to trust to pay you fairly and acknowledge your input and worth. Learn how to challenge them if they don’t.
Assertive skills to learn for growing self-respect
Know your personal rights.
Create some inspiring affirmations and self-talk for daily use, including words like ‘I deserve’.
Know techniques to keep your boundaries in place.
Learn skills on how to deal with arguments and criticism.
Find some positive groups or friendships that support you, without competition or challenges that reduce you. Make yourself a feature in a few different social groups.
Work on your self-confidence (self-approval and self-assurance) – know your worth and your skills. Learn to feed this from yourself, not from others.
Read my blog posts about building self-approval and self-confidence 😊