#5 Simple Ways to be More Assertive
Learning to be assertive is not an overnight task. It can be a lifelong journey and depends on the natural assertiveness skills you have already picked up over the course of your life. Your innate character and previous life experiences also play a part on whether you are already socially outgoing, confident in certain areas or whether you are a risk taker or comfort zone lover. There are some small easy steps and techniques though that you can take if you want to start delving into the world of assertiveness.
#1 Look at how you actually speak
A lot of people hate to see themselves on video but seeing yourself how others see you, can be a valuable lesson in understanding how you come across. Changing your tone of voice and the content of your language can make a massive impact to how others perceive you. Find and analyse existing (or make some new) video footage of yourself. Do you giggle a lot or sound loud and excitable? (does your tone go up and down). Do you mumble or sound quiet and apologetic. You can try being mindful for a week of how you speak and the words you use. Do you often use words such as just, sorry, might or only? Do you find yourself apologising when you speak to someone or ask them for something that you need? Changing a sentence to sound more decisive and final is better than “I just don’t think I can…” “I might come to the party…”. Examples of decisive sounding phrasing are:-
I will / won’t
I have decided
I don’t want to
I will consider it and let you know tomorrow
I think / would like
#2 body posture and appearance
Assertive mindset and verbal skills are very important but never underestimate the power of appearance and body language. In a general sense (not just in the workplace) being smart, groomed and neat are external signals that you respect and value yourself. Appearing too flashy can have the opposite effect, but looking stylish and respectable gives an air of self confidence. Looking scruffy or disheveled give signs that you may not value yourself or that you simply can’t be bothered looking after yourself.
Another part of developing an appearance of assertiveness is body language such as avoiding fidgeting or slumping which suggest a lack or confidence, nervousness or disinterest. Stand up straight but not rigid, look people in the eye when you talk to them but don’t stare and maintain calm balanced gestures. Wild arm waving or jabbing, pointing movements can look aggressive as any hugging or crossed arms looks too timid and defensive. You can look at people you admire (celebrity or personal) or that you feel are already assertive and practice mimicking their postures and gestures. Look at your video from point one to see how you stand and come across and make changes if necessary. Practicing conversations with gestures in the mirror can also help.
#3 build a strong mindset
Developing personal assertiveness skills must be built upon a sense of inner confidence, resilience and persistence. Learning how to weather failure and criticism both mentally and emotionally is critical for maintaining mental health. Identifying manipulative or controlling behaviour and reacting appropriately is a good skill to develop. Having a clear idea in your mind about what behaviour is acceptable, (knowing your personal rights) and what is not, is a strong foundation for policing your own behaviour and that of others. Once you are certain someone has overstepped the mark you can feel confident when keeping them in check with assertiveness.
Core skills for a strong mindset are:-
Learning how to build and maintain self confidence
Learning how to deal with and process failure
Learning how to be persistent with your assertiveness
Knowing how to deflect unwanted direction, pressure and management from others
Knowing your personal rights and having a clear sense of what is acceptable behaviour
#4 learn to value yourself
The main problem with the world today is that we are taught to look to others for validation of our worth from others. Gaining likes, friends and followers encourages us to value popularity with others as a marker for our inner sense of value. Everyone loves to feel wanted, valued or admired but when that becomes your core sense of worth rejection from others (or lack or value) can be devastating to someone’s mental health and sense of self worth. It can also be a downward spiral as people search for constant attention/admiration reassurance, just to keep themselves balanced. The search for unattainable perfection and acceptance can lead people into dangerous behaviours and eternal chasing of personal improvements. This inevitably gives people the feeling that they are never quite good enough. Behaviours such as promiscuity, weight loss / diet control, exercise addiction and excessive attention to appearance (cosmetic surgery, perfect make up) are all signs that people have given their sense of self-value and its criteria over to social media (or their peers) and constantly compare themselves to others.
#5 build your self confidence
Self confidence can be built so that you can withstand bullying (trolling) and have confidence that is fed from your own perspective rather than from attention or validation from others. Looking at your previous achievements (especially if they were gained under challenging circumstances) can be one way to start building your own self-value. What other skills or positi traits do you have? Think about it and write them down.
If you do feel that you are lacking in an area of your life look to make balanced, genuine changes if you feel its needed. Changes such as doing more exercise, losing unhealthy weight, changing an unhealthy diet, spending more time with friends and family, improving your appearance. Do not make changes to your life based on others direction or criticism unless you feel that have a genuine and heart felt point. Changing to pacify a bully will not make you happy and will not ease any bullying behaviour. Bullys fear confidence and strength, changing to suit them does not convey this.
Another way to build self-confidence is to push your comfort zone. It can be exhilarating to make changes, develop new hobbies, make new friends, take steps to follow a new life direction, learn new or expand on current skills, conquer a fear or explore and travel. Doing something that ‘isn’t you’ that you’ve always wanted to do, can be scary but exciting and can lead you in new directions and the path to confidence you never knew that you could feel.
If you want to know more about assertiveness you can find more about the benefits that you could gain here.