Dealing with Rude Verbal Insults
Not all insults are created equal. Some come from a place of pain, jealousy, or manipulation, while others are just awkward, socially unaware comments. When faced with them, it’s important to pause and ask yourself:
Am I being overly sensitive, or is there truly something off here? Is it more about my emotional state, sensitivities or triggers?
Maybe they come from a different time, place or culture or are amongst those who are socially awkward, inexperienced and have social challenges eg. older people, different countries and religions, personal social groups or those with social challenges such as mentally handicapped or those with autism/ADHD.
Maybe they have asked a question where they are unaware of where the conversation is going? such as asking after someone who has died or stumbling into an area that they believe is positive but holds trauma or making a comment without realising it affects you in someway.
Personal social style. Maybe they are more open and direct than you? Their normal social group may be more open, and feel that discussing subjects is a healthy positive way to interact.
The key is to stay grounded and self-aware—respond with clarity and confidence, protecting your peace without losing your cool.
Step 1: Pause & Breathe
Before reacting, take a beat. A moment of calm gives you space to assess the situation, balance and centre without jumping to conclusions or escalating things. Think respond not react.
When the Insult is Intentional
Think: manipulative, vindictive, jealous, or meant to harm.
These kinds of insults are often loaded and calculated. They can be fueled by insecurity, jealousy, resentment, or a need to compete, punish and feel superior. The goal? To get under your skin, knock you off balance emotionally, undermine you, invalidate you, humiliate you, reduce your status or make you question yourself. Sometimes comments are disguised to be positive or unintentional such as claiming 'honesty' or 'accidentally' triggering a sensitive topic.
How to respond:
Stay calm and centered
Don’t give them the satisfaction of a triggered emotional response. pause think and choose the most appropriate response.Ask them to repeat what they said
This can either give them a chance to rethink what they said and change/retract their statement.
They may take it as an unspoken hint that you are challenging them and may potentially be about to ‘kick off’ if they say it again, especially if said firmly but calmly and will eye contact.
Sometimes saying something a second time just isn’t as amusing.
Ask them to explain what they mean…you ‘don’t understand’
Nothing is more disarming than asking someone to explain out their rude insult. Making them clarify that they are actually being insulting or feeling like their views are being dissected.
Fain disdain or dismissal
Pretend that you never noticed, didn’t hear, don’t remember or simply didn’t care / dismissed the comment as unimportant. Sometimes people will double down an insult, if they didn’t get a response the first time, with an ‘apology’ or somesuch, as a way to make sure that they are getting an emotional response from you. “Sorry that I said you look fat in that dress but I’d want to know if it was me!”There’s no better revenge than being un-noticed, dismissed as unimportant or forgotton.
“I don’t remember you saying that…”
“Yeah I heard what you said but I’m glad I dont care what people think…”
“Yeah that does sound quite rude but I’m glad that I disagree…”
“Yeah people can be quite petty, I’ve learnt to ignore rude opinions…”
Clarify their intention, if appropriate and safe.
This is a challenge and can go two ways, it may trigger a fake umbrage as a defense, or they may back down and rework their sentence.“That comment felt intentionally hurtful. Was that your intention?”
“I could take that as an insult. Is that what you meant?”
If they counter with fake aggressive umbrage… use split opinions.
“I’m sure you meant no offense but I personally found it insulting.”
Bounceback to them and their feelings
Fain concern about them. Use a word that makes them seem emotionally off balance such as anxious, jittery, off-kilter, grumpy, negative etc. This may actually be the case or may make them feel self conscious that their manipulation tactic is exposing a weakness or negative in themselves. Smile and brightly say…“Are you ok? You seem very (anxious, grumpy)… today.”
The bounceback method works to induce self-consciousness or reflection. If there is a smugness to their comment (that they are proud that they know their comment will be insulting, embarrassing or is true but in a rude sense)
Another technique is to interrupt with something like…
• “You have something in your teeth”
• “What’s that on your face?”
• Just squint slightly like you are looking at something on their face or head but then say it’s nothing when questioned.
• “Are you wearing the same dress as Jane?”
• “Ah I saw that top in Primark (cheap shop)”Fain a positive admiration or compliment
Similar to the above, this will confuse them, as you are sounding nice by highlighting a negative of their behaviour in a complimentary way.“I’d love to be that bold, it could sound so rude…”
“Oh Sandra! That sounds very jealous which is unlike you!”
Set a boundary. State the consequences if they continue.
“I’m not continuing this conversation if it stays disrespectful.”
“I will only continue this conversation if you stop shouting at me.”
“I don’t accept being spoken to like that. We can talk, but not if insults are involved.”
Be silent or disengage if needed
Silence can be powerful when someone is just trying to provoke. It makes people uneasy about how you took their statement. It’s neutral, neither aggressive, passive nor reactive.You may want to give a neutral simple answer and then disengage.
“I don’t have grievances, I have to go now, have a great day”
“I have no comment on that, have a great day”
REMEMBER: Their words are a reflection of them, not you.
When the Insult is Unintentional
Think: ignorant, socially awkward, lacking emotional awareness.
Sometimes people say hurtful things without meaning to. They might be joking badly, unaware of your sensitivities, or just... not great at communicating.
How to respond:
Clarify and educate.
“That came off as offensive—did you mean it that way?”
“I know you might not have meant it, but that comment was hurtful.”
Ask them to stop or change topic.
Explain what was hurtful and summarise why ie. like if you had an eating disorder and someone jokes about you being ‘chubby’.
Offer a chance to correct.
“Can we try that again in a more respectful tone?”
“Can we get into speaking more professionally?”
Highlight but defuse with humour
Oh, somebody call the inappropriate topic police!!
Oh, don’t worry about inappropriate topics do you!
Oh, inappropriate topic alert!
Come on we spoke about working on this, you were doing so well!
I’m so sorry everyone, she’s still learning what appropriate conversation topics are
Oh, please stop right now, I’m cringing for you!
Why do you ask? Are you interested in…(the topic that they called you out for)
Gauge intent
If they apologize or seem surprised, it’s likely a genuine mistake. If they double down, validate, refuse or smirk it might be something deeper.
Give space for learning, but don’t excuse repeated rudeness.
ASSERTIVE RESPONSES
Use “I” statements. Stay grounded in your own experience.
“I felt disrespected by that.”
Avoid getting dragged into drama
Respond, don’t react. Keep things ‘grey’ and don’t let them continue.
Some people deliberately insult for the drama.Protect your peace
Not everything deserves a response—and ignoring or walking away can be a power move too. It’s not your job to educate or police everyone.Know when to cut ties
Chronic insult-givers aren’t people you need in your close circle.
SUMMARY
Pause & Breathe
Guage intent and choose…
Intentional (manipulative, jealous)
Don’t give an emotional response.
• Ask to repeat
• Fain confusion - ask them to explain their thoughts
• Fain disdain (for the opinion) or dismissal for its importance
• Ask to clarify their intention
• Bounceback - ask them how they are feeling due to their comment
• Fain a something that makes them self conscious
• Fain a compliment for their rude behaviour
• Set a boundary
• Silence - pause for them to think
• Neutral disengagement - thanks but no thanks.Unintentional (clumsy, ignorant)
• Clarify and educate• Offer space to correct
• Use humour to highlight bit diffuse
Reassess if it still seems unintentional - shock, apology, surprise