Assertiveness: Phraseology
Your actual words matter. You can say the same thing to the same person in two different ways and get two different responses. Using certain words can trigger feelings, insinuate judgment, direct blame, or target aggression.
The power of words lies not just in their meaning, but in their delivery. A single sentence can carry vastly different weight depending on how it's phrased. The choice of words can influence emotions, spark reflection, or even create tension.
For example:
"You never listen to me" can invoke defensiveness and frustration. Using the word ‘You’ feels targeted towards someone and can insinuate blame or judgment.
"I feel unheard sometimes when we talk" is a statement of your feelings, it opens up space for understanding and empathy.
The tone, the context, and the subtle nuances all shape how a message is received. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it that determines its impact. Therefore, being mindful of the words we use is crucial because they hold the power to build connections, but also to tear them down.
Think phraseology isn’t really a thing?
Many celebrities and politicians undergo extensive training in phraseology and assertive communication techniques to effectively navigate interviews and press conferences. This preparation allows them to stay composed, control the narrative, and avoid being manipulated into a negative light. By mastering language, tone, and body language, they can steer conversations in their favor, deflect probing questions, and maintain a confident, in-control image. Whether it's redirecting a difficult question, framing their responses strategically, or using persuasive rhetoric, these individuals are skilled at managing both the message and the public's perception. This training helps them remain unshaken, even in high-pressure situations where the media might attempt to expose vulnerabilities or create controversies.
words and phrases that influence
I’m sorry…
It’s not a crime to say sorry. It doesn’t make you weak, despite what some may say. Never apologising can make it seem like you are heartless, that you avoid responsibility or never admit your mistakes. What you need to remember though is that ‘sorry’ can have two meanings. We use the same word to express two things.Are you apologising or empathising? Which one are you doing?
Sometimes people will see your empathy as responsibility (apologising) or try to change your empathy into responsibility (guilt) eg.Empathy
• I’m sorry your grandma died…
You are not saying that you are somehow responsible for their grandma’s death but you are saying that you feel sorry (empathy) for them.
• I’m sorry that you are upset…
Again, you are saying that you empathise with their feelings for which you may have been the trigger. This isn’t an apology, you are empathising, not claiming responsibility for a misdemeanor for which you believe that you must atone. You would use this to empathise when an action you have taken will trigger upset but you are not changing your mind, nor believe that you should. Neither are you accepting that you have taken an action that is wrong. You may also use this approach to disagree in a conversation.Sometimes people will try and confuse the two to gain control of your decisions. This can happen when you empathise with someone as a way to soften the blow of an unpopular decision but they try to make it sound like you are apologising for a misdemeanor and that you are agreeing that you should change your decision or have made a wrong decision. eg.
“I’m sorry (empathise) that you are upset but I’m not coming”
“If you were really sorry (guilty and remorseful) you’d make the effort!!”
Next time someone tries to change your empathy into guilt, remind them “I’m empathising, not apologising”
Apologising
Genuine apologies that are due:-
• You believe did something unintentionally wrong and want to apologise.
”I’m sorry that I’m late…”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call or get back to you like I said I would…”• You’ve thought back on something you said or did and now believe you were wrong to say or do those things.
”I’m sorry that I snapped at you…”
• Interrupting / imposing on a situation but need to, due to urgency.
This may be things like interrupting a meeting, interrupting someone already speaking or intruding on another conversation, in order to deliver urgent news or to ask an urgent question. Maybe it’s your turn but you can’t do it this time or you’re having to ask another favor.
The power of Using ‘You’ or someone’s name
Using someone's name or the word "you" in a sentence can have a strong impact, as it directs the message specifically to the individual. If overused or misused, however, it can come across as aggressive or overly direct, potentially causing defensiveness or discomfort. For example, addressing someone by their name repeatedly can make them feel singled out or even make them "clam up" if they're shy. On the flip side, strategically using someone's name or "you" can also serve as a tool for emphasis, particularly when you need to be firm about a decision or point. It’s all about balance—too much focus on the individual can escalate a conversation into an argument, while too little may make you sound indecisive or weak. The key is knowing when to use it to assert yourself without pushing the other person into a corner. Examples are:-
Someone pushes you to change your mind…
“I said I’m not coming Mandy”
Someone rescinds on a verbal promise…
”You said on Tuesday that you would do it”
”You said on Tuesday Mandy, that you would do it” (even firmer!)
If someone is sensitive to the use of ‘you’ and their name…use ‘we’ or ‘people’ to make your point but avoids triggering a defensive response.
“We need to make sure that this doesn’t happen again”
”People need to remember to put rubbish in the bin”
Calm aggression
• Use ‘we’ / ‘people’ to ease blame (more about this later in the post)
• With neutral statements about your thoughts, actions and feelings
Increase firmness
• With using ‘you’ or their name
• You can use your personal policies
3 part assertive sentence
Assertive sentences are structured around three key parts: expressing your thoughts or feelings (stating the impact of a situation), what situation or behaviour is causing you issues and identifying what you need or want moving forward (or proposing a compromise). The goal is to communicate clearly without assigning blame or belittling others, which helps prevent triggering defensiveness or aggression. While being firm, it’s important to maintain respect for the other person’s perspective. Assertiveness is about setting clear boundaries and expressing yourself openly, without being passive or overly aggressive. For some individuals, hearing a clear, direct expression of boundaries is essential for understanding your needs, and for ensuring mutual respect in the interaction.
• I feel… (How you feel about a situation / behaviour)
Try not to express blame by using ‘you’. You may be forced to though if someone is trying to dismiss or invalidate your feelings or if you need to pin down specifics. Try to focus on statements about how you are feeling, what your thoughts are and the effect that it has on you.
•…when… (when the feeling happens)
Explain what triggers these feelings. Try to be neutral and use statements rather than blaming with ‘you’. Is it a situation? A behaviour? It might be that someone is directly responsible for a trigger or simply unaware of how a situation, with which they are involved, makes you feel.
• I’d like… (express what you’d like instead or suggest a compromise)
Suggest what you’d like to happen instead, the situation that you’d be happy with or how they could help. Maybe you want to suggest an alternative, such as a change of date, a different venue or a different set up.
Examples are:-
I feel angry when you shout at me can we talk about it calmly instead?
I understand that you feel frustrated with the lack of progress but I feel angry when you shout at me. I’d like to talk calmly about making a plan for the future so that we can get progress underway for both of us?
I understand that you feel annoyed that I’m not coming to your party, but I feel anxious with big social events. I’d like to arrange a get together with me and you instead so that we can still celebrate?
I appreciate that you drove last time and it is my turn but I feel that I’m struggling to focus and find driving challenging today. Can you drive this time again and I will make drive the next two times?
• I understand / appreciate… (express that you understand their feelings, challenges, viewpoints or situations)
Depending on the situation, it may be helpful to firstly acknowledge and express empathy with their perspective, recognising how your requests might affect them, positively or negatively. Showing an understanding of their feelings, viewpoint, or circumstances can demonstrate that you are aware of the impact your actions or behavior may have on them. By understanding their feelings, you're not judging or assigning blame but rather recognizing their experience. This helps show that you’re approaching the situation with understanding, from their viewpoint, without criticism or fault.
Insinuation
Using certain words to describe someone's actions can, consciously or unconsciously, hint that you think that someone approached a situation in a certain way. This can unintentionally imply that they are either too casual, rude, or even incompetent, without directly stating it. Your language taps into the power of suggestion, where your choice of words paints a picture of the person’s behavior or character. It can be deliberate, meant to trigger a specific reaction or shift the perception of others, or it can simply be a reflection of how you view things through your own lens. Maybe you are used to talking about things a certain way from your personal style of talking. Either way you can trigger a reaction from others with your words, that say something about how you think about them and their work, without actually saying it. It can be a subtle form of communication that influences or manipulates opinions and shapes how others interpret the individual’s work or actions, all while keeping the critique veiled.
Let’s explore how words shape things…
“handled the situation in their usual relaxed manner”
Can suggest they are usually quite casual and careless about things. Maybe they don’t look at things meticulously or don’t usually do a high quality job.
“took a rather unconventional approach”
Insinuates that they didn’t approach the job as others would normally do. Are they not properly trained? Do they know what they are doing? Sounds like you are politely hinting that they have done something wierd and strange, at worse you are suggesting that they haven’t done a standard professional job.
‘Drop’ on me… suggests lack of planning
‘Slung’ it over there… suggests carelessness
‘Threw’ something together… suggests a sloppy job
‘Swan’ in here… suggests arrogance, rudeness
‘Blithely’ walked into… suggests indifference, lack of awareness, clumsiness
‘Scoff’ your lunch… suggests greed
‘Sit around’ while…suggest laziness
‘Looming’ over me…suggests intimidation or aggression
Some people use casual words as a matter of course… chuck, throw, shove or plonk. That may suggest something about how casually they approach life but for someone who prides themself on doing things to a high standard, this can trigger offense and insinuate they are conducting themselves, and their work, in the opposite of how they proudly conduct themselves.
You may unintentionally condescend someone to insinuate that they have a childlike, unawareness of the real information or issues. Using words that suggest a carefree attitude such as blissfully, blithely, skip, breeze through, may suggest they are unaware of the serious nature of the project.
Think about the environment or the person you are talking to. What do they value or look for from you during your time with them? A chat with your bank manager won’t go well if you use casual words for how you approach budgets, deadlines or large sums of money. Using words that suggest that you view someone with disregard, incompetence or disrespect won’t impress anyone who is expecting your approval and whom you are trying to get onside.
Tone of voice matters
The tone of voice that you use also affects the message that you are sending out and the response that you are going to get. Examples of what tone you can use that can trigger negative responses are:-
• Sarcasm
Saying something but with a tone that suggests you mean the opposite. Sarcasm can be misinterpreted or feel passive-aggressive, making the recipient feel disrespected or ridiculed. Phrases like "Great job, as usual" or "Oh, brilliant, another mistake!" can create tension and hurt feelings. You can even say something honestly positive but if you use a sarcastic tone, people can feel that you don’t mean it and can have the opposite effect.
• Condescension (haughty)
Saying something with a tone that suggests you dismissively view someone beneath you or you are suggesting they are useless and incompetent. Speaking down to someone, as if they are inferior or less intelligent, often comes across as disrespectful. For example, "Let me explain it to you since you clearly don’t understand," or "It's not that hard, you should know better," can belittle the person and cause resentment or frustration.
• Condescension (childlike)
Saying something with a tone that sounds like you are talking to a child. An overly friendly and excessively happy tone can come across as patronizing, especially if it sounds like you're speaking to someone as though they're incapable or immature. Phrases like "Oh, you're doing such a great job!" in an overly chipper tone can unintentionally make the person feel belittled or underestimated despite your intentions to sound positive and encouraging.
• Annoyance
Saying something with a short snappy tone that suggests that you are irritated. If you express frustration through impatience, it can make others feel rushed or undervalued. For instance, saying, "Hurry up, this is taking too long" or "Why are you still asking questions? Just do it!" can come off as rude and dismissive of the other person's time and effort.
• Aggression
Requesting an action of someone using a brisk tone that suggests lack of consideration or care for them. Maybe you seem that you are blaming, or asking an aggressive question that triggers defensiveness. Using forceful, confrontational language can make the recipient feel attacked or threatened. Phrases like "You never get it right" or "Why can't you do this properly?" put the other person on the defensive and can escalate the situation.
• Disinterest
When your tone seems uninterested or indifferent, it can signal to the other person that their concerns don't matter. For instance, "Whatever, do what you want" or a simple, emotionless "I don't care" can demotivate others from engaging further or lead to a breakdown in communication.
• Pessimism
Constantly focusing on problems or what’s going wrong can drain the energy of the conversation and make others feel demotivated or hopeless. For example, "Yeah, do that way, whatever" or "Well, we can try" can shut down constructive dialogue and lead to disengagement.
Test: Try saying the same neutral sentence in different tones and see how the meaning changes!
use neutral Statements
Using statements as an assertiveness technique involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, or viewpoints in a clear, non-accusatory way. The key is to frame your response from a personal perspective, such as saying "I feel..." or "I believe..." This method focuses on your individual experience, which cannot be invalidated because it reflects your unique viewpoint. For instance, instead of saying, "You're being rude," which might provoke defensiveness, you could say, "I feel uncomfortable when I hear that kind of comment," which is more likely to be heard without triggering a confrontation. By owning your perspective, you assert your boundaries while maintaining respect and clarity in the conversation.
Assertiveness through "I" statements reduces defensiveness because it focuses on your personal experience rather than accusing the other person. Phrasing things as "I feel" or "I think" sounds more neutral and matter-of-fact, making it easier for the other person to hear and understand without becoming defensive.
assertive techniques
Conversations, much like a game of chess, involve strategic moves and counter-moves. Assertiveness techniques act as your "moves," guiding the direction and tone of the interaction. When you assertively express your thoughts or feelings, you provide a clear piece of communication for the other person to respond to, and in turn, they make their move, shaping the flow of the conversation. The subtle flow of give and take allows for a dynamic exchange where both parties influence the direction of the dialogue. By staying mindful of this flow, you create opportunities for the conversation to unfold naturally, allowing space for others to express their viewpoints, while still maintaining control over how the conversation progresses. Using assertive techniques you can:-
• Call the conversation to a stop. You’ve made your mind up and you’re not open to more negotiation.
• Invalidate someone’s point of view, in a positive sense. This can be not agreeing with their criticism or devaluation of you; not agreeing to your guilt or responsibility; not agreeing to remembering things that same as them.
• Resisting their manipulation tactic for controling to the flow of conversation.
• Readjusting someone’s point of view as personal opinion not as a fact. Using the split opinions technique to show there are various versions of ‘the truth’ and we each have our own perspective and memory of a situation.
• Handing back responsibility to someone, where they want to blame you, or claim that you are responsible or should be responsible.
• Gaining back your control of the conversation, where someone is directing you to do a job as if you have agree to a course of action or a job, and you disagree.
• Calming aggression or anxiety in others in a conversation, so that you get the best out of your interactions and nuture relationships in a positive manner.
If you’re interested in learning more about assertive techniques click here.